Leonard the Baller
by PegamooseG
Summary: Earthlings occasionally encounter a human who believes the world is flat. What in Discworld happens when the denizens of the Disc encounter someone who believes the world to be spherical? When these ill-informed Ballers arise, it's time to call out Rincewind, one of the few Discworlders to go over the Rim and live to tell others about it.


A voice cleared its throat and said, "Master Rincewind."

"Take away his crutch!" Rincewind shouted, startled awake and more startled to find himself dozing between rows of maroon carrots in the Unseen University garden. He had been dreaming of competing in a Cripple Mister Onion Tournament and losing to a cheating, non-crippled street urchin.

"Master Rincewind?" the young apprentice asked.

Rincewind nodded and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "Yes?"

"Mustrum Ridcully would like to see you in his office," the apprentice said.

Rincewind groaned and said, "Tell him I'm busy."

"Doing what?"

"Ponder Stibbons asked me to collect some vegetables. Something to do with teaching Hex agricultural intelligence."

"Mustrum Ridcully said to set whatever you are doing down gently and go to his office. It is of the utmost importance."

Most of the wizards at Unseen University dropped using "drop what you are doing" after too many holes through the floor when some took the phrase too literally. They still had not found a suitable replacement phrase, especially since wizards hated being told to "stop what you are doing," which was the most useful, but also the most often ignored advice at the University.

Rincewind stood up, brushed off the dirt, and made a note to mend the rabbit-nibbled hole in his pointy hat. He mumbled a thanks to the apprentice, and trudged towards Ridcully's office.

A pair of voices talked quietly beyond Ridcully's office door. Rincewind knocked before opening the door let himself inside.

"Ah, Rincewind. There you are. Come in," Mushroom Ridcully said, even though Rincewind had already entered.

Lord Vetinari stood across the desk and gazed upon Rincewind as he entered the room. Without thinking, Rincewind removed his wizard hat and turned it in his hands, partially from being nervous, and partially to hide the hole nibbled through the brim.

"Lord Vetinari has an assignment for you."

Rincewind put on his straightest Cripple Mister Onion face and turned his gaze to Lord Vetrinari, who had a better expression. Had this been an actual game of Cripple Mister Onion, Rincewind would have not only lost his shirt, but his pointy hat and robe, too.

"What do you know of Ballers?" Lord Vetirnari asked.

Rincewind crinkled up his brow and said, "I'm sorry, sir. Unfortunately, I know next to nothing about physical sports."

"I am referring to one who has other throughs about the world not being as flat as it is."

"Ah, nutters," Rincewind said, smiling, "Fortunately for you, I have come across plenty nutters. Are you saying there are still people who believe the world is spherical?"

"Apparently. I would appreciate it if you talk some sense into him," Lord Vetrinari said in a way that was less than a request, and more as an addendum to Rincewind's job description.

"I suggested you, Rincewind. You have first-hand experience going over the edge."

Rincewind winced. He hated being reminded of that terrible ordeal. There were not enough pubs with enough ale to get everyone drunk enough to forget that particular episode.

"I understand," Rincewind said.

After getting information on where to find this "Baller", he left the office feeling good about the assignment. Out of all the assignments issued by Vetrinari, talking to someone was the best kind of assignment, as long as the someone wasn't dangerous. A person thinking the world was spherical did not seem dangerous. He had met a few harmless people who thought the world was cylindrical. What harm could come from giving it his best shot?

Rincewind found the man at a suitable location for the Baller to spout his nonsense—a pub called the Bear and Ball. Rincewind had been to this pub a time or two before. According to the legend, the owner had lost his parents and siblings to a rogue circus bear who had lured people with his ball-balancing act, then maneuver it quite rapidly to maul unsuspecting onlookers. As a small boy, the pub owner said he survived by climbing a tree out of the reach of the bear on his ball.

Rincewind approached the owner at the bar and asked if he had seen the Baller. The owner pointed to a sad individual hunched in the corner over his tankard of ale.

Rincewind approached the Baller's table and asked, "Are you Leonard Nutter, er, sorry, Leonard Newton?"

"Who wants to know?" Leonard mumbled.

'A concerned individual who would like to hear your worldly views," Rincewind said with as much conviction as he could muster, which was neither much, nor convincing.

It was enough to brighten Leonard's spirits. He sat up straight and smiled. "Really?"

Rincewind nodded and said, "Yes. Really."

Leonard suddenly looked suspicious and asked, "Why?"

Rincewind sat across the small table from the Baller. "I have my reasons, but I would like to hear your thoughts first."

"You can read my mind?!" Leonard shielding his head with his mostly emptied tankard.

"No," Rincewind said, lowering the man's arm. "No, I mean that I want to know your opinions about the world."

"Oh," Leonard said, and placed his tankard back on the table. "Okay. Most people think I'm crazy. I believe the world is not flat, but it is actually spherical. You know, like a ball."

"Yes, I am familiar with shapes, including spheres. But, why do you think the world is ball-shaped?"

"I think the world spins on an axis which makes the sun appear to rise and set each day, but the sun is actually a stationary object in the sky."

Rincewind hoped Leonard wasn't suggesting the sun was a flying greeting card. He let the comment slide and took a different approach. "You don't think the sun orbits the world and the Great A'Tuin?"

Leonard laughed. "Don't get me started on the Great A'Tuin. That's the most unbelievable part of the Discworld theory."

"You don't believe the Disc rests atop the four elephants who are perched atop the Great A'Tuin's shell?"

"Are you saying you do?"

"Well..."

"Seriously? How could elephants and a turtle grow to be that big?"

"I, uh..."

"What do they eat? Where would the get enough food to grow that big? Besides, Discworld has a long history, how could they live that long without enough food to sustain their enormous lifestyles?"

"True, you do have a point. But, a sphere?" Rincewind said. Lord Vetrinari would be disappointed to know Leonard seemed to be talking more sense.

"Let me ask you something," Leonard said. "Have you ever blown bubbles?"

Rincewind shrugged. "Of course. Which wizard hasn't?"

"And, what shape are bubbles?"

"Spherical, but..."

"What about the shape of crystal balls?"

"Also, spheres. Except for Hedgworth. His is more of a crystal octacontagon."

"Then, when the world was created, why wasn't it also created as a sphere?" Leonard said. He sat back with his arms crossed, looking triumphant.

"This one I know. That's where our opinions differ," said Rincewind. That, and many other divergences. Every child on the Disc knew how the world was made. at least, they all remembered what their parents had told them. "The gods of Discworld didn't blow bubbles or glass. The world was created more like throwing clay on a spinning wheel. The world could have been more bowl-shaped, but from what I was told, the gods just liked how the world flattened and spread. That's how it got disc-shaped."

"Yes, what you were told. I think we were all told wrong. But, I'm glad you mentioned the world possibly being bowl-shaped. If the world is flat and not bowl-shaped, then the oceans spill over the edge, don't they?"

"Of course. The Rim Falls are famous."

"Where does all that water go?"

"Just over the edge," Rincewind said.

"Yes, but where to and why? Wouldn't the water be flowing downhill?" Leonard said, looking triumphant again.

Rincewind picked up his drink, had a second thought, and set down his tankard again. He picked up Leonard's tankard and dumped the rest of his ale near the edge of the table. He hated to waste his own drink.

"The table is flat. And, look...your ale flows over the edge of the table," Rincewind said with a shrug. He gave Leonard a look that said, "Your move, Baller."

"Point taken," Leonard said, and asked the owner for another round and a mop.

"And, besides," Rincewind added, now that he had somewhat of an upper hand. "if this part of the word was domed, wouldn't all the water in oceans have been drained by now."

"But, it's not the edge of the world. I think it's just a waterfall to an ocean in the lower hemisphere." Leonard said.

"So, not flowing from one layer to another, like one of those fancy cakes?" Rincewind asked.

Rincewind finished his first ale as the next one arrived. He might not have been able to talk much since into the guy, and the guy seemed to make a lot of sense, but Rincewind decided the could continue talking sense at each other as long as the drinks flowed like the Rim Falls.

They continued talking until Rincewind's second tankard was nearly empty. He didn't know if he was sober enough to talk Leonard into buying yet another round.

"Why did they send you to talk to me?" Leonard asked.

"Thassa good question," Rincewind said, his speech beginning to slur. Usually, he could hold his ale pretty well, but this Bear and Ball stuff must have packed a punch. The room was beginning to tilt after only two. "Lordy V asked me to talk some sins...sum cents... something into you - hic!"

"Why you?"

"'Cause, I wen' over the edge, see? But, I came back," Rincewind said, and burst into burping laughter.

"You can take me over the edge," Leonard said.

"Whosays?"

"I do," Leonard said, "And the sleeping draught I slipped into your tankard while you weren't looking."

"Hm. Quite convincing-hic!" Rincewind said, before his head hit the table and he blacked out.

Rincewind was lying down. His eyes were still closed. He heard a continuous shushing noise.

"Why are you shushing me? I should be shushing you," he said. He blinked his eyes opened to bright daylight. "Oo, my head."

Maybe the continuous shushing noise was trying to quiet the seagulls.

Wait.

Seagulls?!

Rincewind sat bolt upright. He sat on a small island. The continuous shushing he heard was the sound of the Rim Falls a few meters away. The island was one of the many Trash Islands. The Trash Islands were accidentally man-made. Garbage tossed into the rivers and streams eventually found its way to the oceans. The pull of the Rim Falls drifted the garbage towards the Rim. Occasionally, some of the larger garbage caught on or near the Rim and other trash would collect around it. As the saltwater dried on top of the garbage, crystals would form. The sea spray from the falls compounded the crystallization effect. After a while, the churning and wavering of the garbage would erode the crystals to form salty sand, and little islands grew over time. This particular island had a palm tree growing on it, probably from a pair of Sto Lat swallows getting lost while carrying a coconut.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," Leonard said.

"That's Rincewind," he said, massaging his temples. "At least I think I still am."

"You still are. And, in a moment, you're going to lower me over the falls to prove which one of us is correct."

"You're going over in a barrel?" Rincewind asked.

"It's the perfect vessel for going over waterfalls," Leonard said. He tied a rope through a few holes drilled equidistant around the top rim of the barrel.

"Do you think that's wise?"

"No offense, but you're too heavy. I think you'll have an easier time hauling me back up. I had a hard enough time loading you onto the cart. I had to get the Bear and Ball owner to lend a hand. I told him I was hauling you back to the University. It wasn't a lie. We're just making a little detour first."

"To the Rim?!" Rincewind said. He sensed disaster about to happen, but was glad for once it was going to happen to someone other than himself. "Tell me how I can help."

Rincewind tied the other end of the rope to the palm tree and Leonard finished tying the other end to the barrel. Satisfied that Rincewind tied a solid knot around the palm tree, Leonard climbed into the barrel. Rincewind pushed the barrel Rim-ward until the pull of the falls could carry Leonard the rest of the way.

"Wish me luck!" Leonard said, cheerily.

"Be careful what you wish for," Rincewind said. Luck was a tricky thing to wish for, since it could easily go either way.

Rincewind braced his feet as the rope pulled tighter the closer Leonard approached the falls. He struggled to control Leonard's approach to the Rim, and he began to get rope burn on his palms and fingers. When it became too much, Rincewind let go of the rope. The slack ran out fast as Leonard disappeared over the edge of the Rim Falls. The rest of the slack disappeared with a mighty twang! The knot on the palm tree held.

"I'm okay," Rincewind heard Leonard call from over the roar of the Rim Falls.

"Have you had a good enough look?" Rincewind asked.

"Not yet. There's too much mist from the Falls getting in my eyes," Leonard said, followed by "Uh oh!"

"Is everything okay?" Rincewind called.

"Water from the Falls is filling up the barrel! I don't think it can h—!"

A loud snap of the rope breaking interrupted Leonard. The loose end on Rindewind's side squiggled like a snake at the edge of the Falls. Rincewind pulled the rope until he caught up with the frayed other end. No barrel. No Leonard.

Maybe that'll knock some sense into him, he thought.

Rincewind climbed the tree to grab a couple of coconuts. He leaned up against the tree and relaxed. His luggage would be along soon enough to fetch him and drag him back to the University, just as it did after other benders. He sipped coconut milk and watched the sunset over the edge of the Rim.

Leonard stood up. Broken bits of barrel wood lay scattered about the area of A'Tuin's shell where he hit. He looked up at the towering elephants standing over him. Far above, he could see the hazy mist of the Falls spilling over the edge of the Disc perched on the gargantuan elephants' backs.

"IT'S NOT OFTEN I GET DOWN HERE."

Leonard looked the hooded figure standing next to him.

"I was kind of right. The main world below is kind of bold shaped. And the turtle has got a nice curved shell. Put the two together the right way, and you would have a nice sphere," Leonard said.

"IF YOU SAY SO," Death said.

Death opened a door that Leonard wasn't sure was there a moment ago. He was too busy admiring the impossibly large animals around and under him. The bright light from the doorway obscured most of the strange sights around him.

"What's in there?" Leonard asked.

"PROBABLY PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT YOUR THEORY."

"You're probably, right," Leonard said. Too excited to contain his discovery any more, Leonard rushed through the doorway saying, "You'll never guess where I've been!"

Death closed the door behind Leonard.

"WHEN WILL THESE BALLERS LEARN?"

Back in Anhk-Morpork, the luggage took Rincewind straight to Lord Vetrinari's office. Vetrinari cocked one eyebrow at the luggage that had suddenly crashed through his door and parked itself on the rug. The lid opened and Rincewind unfolded himself from the cramped, but familiar space.

Lord Vetrinari said, "Well?"

"Well," Rincewind said. He cleared his throat and closed the luggage's lid to have someplace to sit. "When I left Leonard, he seemed pretty convinced."

"Hopefully that quiets his soul for a spell."

"You could say that," Rincewind said, wobbling his head in agreement. "You could also say he has a new appreciation for gravity. A turtle made quite an impact on him, too."

"I see." Lord Vetrinari stared at Rincewind for a moment, before asking, "You didn't nudge him toward that appreciation?"

"Oh, no sir. I didn't drop a single hint, as you might say. He reached that conclusion all on his own."

"I see. Thank you, Rincewind. That will be all."

Rincewind nodded. He stood up and luggage followed him to the door. Before exiting, he turned and said, "There's just one thing I'm curious about."

"Just the one? Curiosity is a dangerous thing," Lord Vetrinari said, not looking up from his crossword puzzle. "Especially around cats."

"Yes, sir. I was wondering, why is it so wrong for someone to have differing beliefs?"

Lord Vetrinari set down his quill on the unfinished crossword puzzle, and looked at Rincewind before answering. "It is perfectly acceptable for people to have differing beliefs. It is more than acceptable to challenge one's beliefs. In my experience, when one person's beliefs conflict with another's, things tend to take on a life of their own. Conflicting beliefs supported by careless disregard of facts tend to lead dangerous lives."

Rincewind nodded again and left Vetrinari's office in quiet contemplation. The man gave him the chills, but he admired his view of the world.

A dangerous idea was building itself up in Rincewind's mind. The way he figured, if he could support his idea with enough careless drinking to the point of careful disregarding for his own name, he might also discontinue any further thoughts of Leonard the Baller. Besides, whoever heard of a spherical world?


End file.
